Uncategorized – bleached coral

1 in 3

*** Reader discretion, this topic is very heavy and may not be advisable for all readers. It is about cancer, death, and dying. ***

One in three people have a personal interaction with cancer. Some have the cancer and others are witness to their loved ones with the illness. While this affects the individual uniquely, the one with the illness or the loved one watching it will experience anguish throughout the process.
We all know that we’re going to die but many people are unable to cope with it when they are presented with a time or an obstacle that presents death as eminent. I am in the process of writing a song about death.

I’ve seen a lot of it in my life. I saw my grandfather go through Alzheimer when I was 12, the most difficult year I can reflect back on. Elijah Potter III. Then, when I was 14, the summer before entering high school the first person I had a true crush on passed away. Shane/Shay. They were trying to get high through asphyxiation. I remember their blog entry the week before their passing. Then a close friend, and a mother who felt motherly to me, too, lost her mom to cancer. Mary. I lost my aunt to cancer. Susan. Even with preparation, no one is prepared post-mortem. (Neither the dead know what will come nor the Mourning.)

The next deaths were opioids in series of tragedy, people who lived in my neighborhood, Ellie, people I saw as I mingled between groups, Messiah,my brother’s girlfriend, Nicky. Tragic because their mental or physical anguish led them to substances that brought them closer to death, maybe without even accepting it. Going into death’s arms without asking for it or preparing for it. Some came close but made it out, maybe a few times.

I moved to Alaska somewhere in between this process and again, life met its demise. Dasan. Roman. Alex. Rusty. And even one I don’t know well enough to name. My apologies. My Opa passed away after trying to regain his health after being hit by a car as a 90 year old man by his son-in-law. He broke his hip and then had a stroke and lived to be 93. I am glad I got to spend time with him as I love him so much and I am so glad that I am partially him through genetics and experiences together.

Death feels so uncertain when unprepared but it is certain even when you are in perfect health. My friend was shot and killed on a bicycle as an act of random homicide. Brie. It’s one of the few certainties in life, that it comes to an end. It’s not even tragic or dramatic or sad to think of it that way because it’s just the way life works. We get to have this full experience of seeing things and learning and loving and crying and being FULL of emotions and being FULL of apathy and being yourself. And learning who you are and what the world is about. That is the glory of life, truly, is being able to be apart of it and then be able to let it go. Then, you’ve exhausted those resources to pass on and the living can benefit from the knowledge or wisdom or love that was shared. And the Earth lets nothing go to waste- granted that is more for plants and animals as humans have rituals that preserve.

… I often wonder how the earth will respond to that in a longer span of geological time. What archaeologists of the great, great future will see after our meteor shower or giant flood or whatever.

Mark Twain wrote in the extended edition of his autobiography that, *” A person dies three times. First, when their heart stops. Secondly, when they are buried under ground. And third, when their name is last spoken.”
That’s why I wrote their names in this post as a means to keep them very alive, as they are all such beautiful people and they deserve the recognition. Whether or not there is a spiritual or religious connotation, they were honorable people and I will still respect them and recognize them through death. Their lessons to me were illuminated as I went through mourning. I found that my loss meant I can look into the time that was spent and what I gained from that time. How much it meant to me then and how much I can reflect back and learn from it now. I am so grateful of these people.

*I am paraphrasing because I am having trouble finding the quote in the book and online and I guess this has been said throughout history by many different wise people.

This comes back around to my original statements about cancer, as I am living through the difficulty of care-taking and supporting a person with cancer. It’s my mom. The situation is very challenging as it is but I know that I am grateful to be alive and she helped make that happen. She needs the support and I need the patience now for later if I have a family. I know that if I don’t take the time now that I will be hard on myself when the opportunity isn’t possible anymore. Regardless of the past and even what could be happening in the present, I love my mom, I want to help her if I can.

The situation of death is different for everyone and in every death, each individual will process and mourn differently. There isn’t a right way, a wrong way, or a certain amount of time that a person might mourn. Death is strange. You are in a process of living but taking a walk on the way toward death. (Thus the whole, “yolo,” “c’est la vie,” thing.) The loss of anything or anyone can be tragic and we interpret and experience that uniquely. Be kind to the people you interact with, you have no idea where they are at in their process or what they are experiencing. Be gentle to yourself, too, because you are experiencing hardship or have in your life and you deserve your own tenderness. Thank you for reading.

Ginger Soy Sauce

The winter months are long, cold, and dark. The small things definitely count. I had been craving the ginger soy sauce that Miya would cook into the sesame fried rice at the Korean sushi restaurant I worked at in high school. So, I decided to make it. I took about 2 cups of Tamari and a cup or two of water to a boil. Then, I added in slices of ginger and 2-4 tablespoons of brown sugar. I let this mixture simmer for about an hour or so, stirring almost constantly. This sauce will keep for a while and I have been INDULGING in this salty and sweet delicacy. Now, to get more sesame seeds to truly make Miya’s famous rice.

I remember once answering the phone and someone did not want to order their rice with egg. I put that into the order notes and Miya had me call them back so she could tell the customer that, “the egg makes the rice good,” and she was kind of saucy to the customer. Saucy owners mean good sauces, I’ll tell you what.

The secret to peeling ginger is to use a spoon.

First things first,

I am 23 days into a new year and for the first time in what may be my entire life, I am creating resolutions. 23 days without booze for what I figure is the first time in 10 years, as I started drinking fairly regularly in high school. An even bigger separation from addiction that I vouched as a resolution is eliminating social media from my life. In that process I was asked to create a blog. A blog about food, my life, and my dog. This one is for you, Jess. Here it is, the alpha. I feel weirdly guilty for waiting 23 days to create this blog post, but something was causing my writers block when it came to the screen, while my journal pages have been quickly flipping, busting out new text to add to my in-progress novel. So many goals I seem to have lost them in my head. Habits seem easier to take out; addictions are boring. Starting new routine is seemingly much harder but at least as I start to feel comfortable with letting go, time can be used in new ways. Granted, it is without much effort as my two previous addictions could turn to be real time sucks. (That includes the endless scroll of “fomo” and the multiple trips to the corner store for a sixer and some Takis.) Sleep is surprisingly more feasible. Hangovers don’t exist if you’re not supplementing with booze during your evenings, but damn, I do love everything about booze.

Yeah, yeah, getting drunk is cool and all and at the time it seemed to be the answer, but reflecting on consumption, I like the entire art form that is alcohol consumption. I like beverages. I like food and flavors. I really like it, honestly. Gazing into my crystal ball into the past, back to the strike of the new year, I see my last kiss of booze. I remember drinking it quickly to feel without sensation, a feeling sought often. I hope that when I bring it back into my life I can consume it as if it is something special.

I have intended on starting this blog for food adventures but I feel like some non-food adventures and brands I like and my sweet looks are okay to mention too. I had been procrastinating this first blog post for no real reason, even though I have taken some food pictures. I splurged deeply on an iPad Pro for my future graduate school adventures and my current writing adventures, even though pencil, pen, and paper will always be part of my endeavors at the same time. I guess when I sit down with a certain intent, it requires a certain medium. It is hard to resist that especially with so much option. Granted, this new beautiful screen and its speed and size is so perfect I can’t help but keep my hands off of it– plus, I want to get my money’s worth 😉. I use a windows computer, an Android phone, and an iPad as my mobile computing device, what can I say, I am versitile.

I am not certain how thorough or in depth each blog post will be or the frequencies of the posts, but I wanted to provide a somewhat thorough introduction with a little bit of free-flow tangent, the sequence my mind lends itself to. I feel the innate connection and my recent realization is to try and be more aware even when multitasking. Give myself time or I’ll stress myself out. Give myself too many things to handle and I am forgetful, or I get overwhelmed. I realized my catch phrase is awkwardly singing or stating, “being a person,” at any given point of blatant humanity. It is humbling, really, to recognize how impossible it is to be anything but as fragile and particular as we are as living things… and with the intricacies and organization of humanity and the layers of innocent and malicious fallacies coupled with utter bliss and compassion– boy we sure are set up to be into some sort of shit, eh?