bleached coral

1 in 3

*** Reader discretion, this topic is very heavy and may not be advisable for all readers. It is about cancer, death, and dying. ***

One in three people have a personal interaction with cancer. Some have the cancer and others are witness to their loved ones with the illness. While this affects the individual uniquely, the one with the illness or the loved one watching it will experience anguish throughout the process.
We all know that we’re going to die but many people are unable to cope with it when they are presented with a time or an obstacle that presents death as eminent. I am in the process of writing a song about death.

I’ve seen a lot of it in my life. I saw my grandfather go through Alzheimer when I was 12, the most difficult year I can reflect back on. Elijah Potter III. Then, when I was 14, the summer before entering high school the first person I had a true crush on passed away. Shane/Shay. They were trying to get high through asphyxiation. I remember their blog entry the week before their passing. Then a close friend, and a mother who felt motherly to me, too, lost her mom to cancer. Mary. I lost my aunt to cancer. Susan. Even with preparation, no one is prepared post-mortem. (Neither the dead know what will come nor the Mourning.)

The next deaths were opioids in series of tragedy, people who lived in my neighborhood, Ellie, people I saw as I mingled between groups, Messiah,my brother’s girlfriend, Nicky. Tragic because their mental or physical anguish led them to substances that brought them closer to death, maybe without even accepting it. Going into death’s arms without asking for it or preparing for it. Some came close but made it out, maybe a few times.

I moved to Alaska somewhere in between this process and again, life met its demise. Dasan. Roman. Alex. Rusty. And even one I don’t know well enough to name. My apologies. My Opa passed away after trying to regain his health after being hit by a car as a 90 year old man by his son-in-law. He broke his hip and then had a stroke and lived to be 93. I am glad I got to spend time with him as I love him so much and I am so glad that I am partially him through genetics and experiences together.

Death feels so uncertain when unprepared but it is certain even when you are in perfect health. My friend was shot and killed on a bicycle as an act of random homicide. Brie. It’s one of the few certainties in life, that it comes to an end. It’s not even tragic or dramatic or sad to think of it that way because it’s just the way life works. We get to have this full experience of seeing things and learning and loving and crying and being FULL of emotions and being FULL of apathy and being yourself. And learning who you are and what the world is about. That is the glory of life, truly, is being able to be apart of it and then be able to let it go. Then, you’ve exhausted those resources to pass on and the living can benefit from the knowledge or wisdom or love that was shared. And the Earth lets nothing go to waste- granted that is more for plants and animals as humans have rituals that preserve.

… I often wonder how the earth will respond to that in a longer span of geological time. What archaeologists of the great, great future will see after our meteor shower or giant flood or whatever.

Mark Twain wrote in the extended edition of his autobiography that, *” A person dies three times. First, when their heart stops. Secondly, when they are buried under ground. And third, when their name is last spoken.”
That’s why I wrote their names in this post as a means to keep them very alive, as they are all such beautiful people and they deserve the recognition. Whether or not there is a spiritual or religious connotation, they were honorable people and I will still respect them and recognize them through death. Their lessons to me were illuminated as I went through mourning. I found that my loss meant I can look into the time that was spent and what I gained from that time. How much it meant to me then and how much I can reflect back and learn from it now. I am so grateful of these people.

*I am paraphrasing because I am having trouble finding the quote in the book and online and I guess this has been said throughout history by many different wise people.

This comes back around to my original statements about cancer, as I am living through the difficulty of care-taking and supporting a person with cancer. It’s my mom. The situation is very challenging as it is but I know that I am grateful to be alive and she helped make that happen. She needs the support and I need the patience now for later if I have a family. I know that if I don’t take the time now that I will be hard on myself when the opportunity isn’t possible anymore. Regardless of the past and even what could be happening in the present, I love my mom, I want to help her if I can.

The situation of death is different for everyone and in every death, each individual will process and mourn differently. There isn’t a right way, a wrong way, or a certain amount of time that a person might mourn. Death is strange. You are in a process of living but taking a walk on the way toward death. (Thus the whole, “yolo,” “c’est la vie,” thing.) The loss of anything or anyone can be tragic and we interpret and experience that uniquely. Be kind to the people you interact with, you have no idea where they are at in their process or what they are experiencing. Be gentle to yourself, too, because you are experiencing hardship or have in your life and you deserve your own tenderness. Thank you for reading.

18” to freedom

Having the ability to crack jokes and speak with any random person I come across appears very extroverted, indeed, but honestly, I just like to talk. I have a big voice with a big will to sooth and satisfy the urge to crack poor jokes at any given (in)convenience. I think I am very funny. Classically speaking, don’t judge a book by its cover. Sure, I like people and I like to talk but really it’s just the filler between getting from what I need to do to getting back to my home with my dog and occasionally a close friend. Lately, the former.

This photograph is from an excursion similar to the Krusty Krab Pizza episode of Spongebob that I personally experienced. Last weekend, I had the opening shift instead of the closing shift, so after I came home and did some dog stuff, I moseyed my way a 150 blocks or so to engage in some tea shop tunes hosted by my good friend, to then continue on to the free Sunday music shows, hosted by a local bar. (technically two bars because one is outside.) Incidentally, I made good friends with his neighbors quite instantly over Microcosms, the documentary — which I highly recommend if you have yet to see it. Anyway, beside the teashop is the bar on one side and a late-night pizza shop that has dairy-free cheese. Tea, then pizza, then free music.

I tried two “cuts” of pizza, which are half-slices. This pizza-by-the-slice spot has some deliciousness happening always and I wanted to try samples before I made a final decision. (I didn’t even end up ordering any of the cuts I got, because the seasonal special is *too* good, but we can talk about that after, in tandem with the sequential story.) The first slice was a pineapple zah with jalapeños and cilantro. It is always delicious. The chef special wasn’t very good, but it had some good house-made vegan mozzarella on it. We went over to the bar. The music didn’t appease my tastes, so i went to the outside section of the bar. I met some San Francisco folks who were visiting seattle and drove down. They were looking for the nose candy so I tastefully made my way out of their gaze with my Shirley Temple. The fun part about not drinking booze is that you just drink other fun things, like Shirley Temples. They are usually cheaper than regular bar drinks, mine was 2 dollars and I could get free refills all night! Not to mention Shirley Temples are delicious.

I had a very strong sugar rush. It’s kind of like being drunk but with higher inhibitions. I kept making friends and being social so I am pretty sure it has just been a me-thing and not a drunk-thing. Plus, getting Shirley Temples meant I had something in my hand to drink instead of booze, so that is nice, too. All I could think about was more pizza in the bar, though. Priorities.

I found my friend still sitting in the booth at the bar section of the pizza shop. It is the security guard’s girlfriend, the sweet angel. We often talk of stones and read cards. I am friends with the security and, you know, the bartender is very sweet. So sweet, his name is Angel. Somehow I got an excellent deal on a pizza. I confirmed the two sizes circumferences and specified that I wanted the 18”. I am not sure, but I think that there was something in Angel that he felt was relatable, or something as the smirk he made and the discount further engaged that this was a *very* good decision.

I didn’t bike there, thank goodness. I wouldn’t have been able to carry the pizza box. I got my favorite pizza. A seasonal special. A mushroom, truffle-oil pizza, with Follow Your Heart cheese and herbs and spices. Super garlic goodness. Oh my, it genuinely makes my mouth water thinking of it. The sulken-eyed pizza chef(?) delivers me my pizza, opens it, confirms. She sees my delight. I walk up the block to the bus stop to wait for the next 24 hour bus. I jumped the gun a little bit and sat about 10 minutes in the burrr—izza cold. Did you know that a 18″ pizza box does not fit in between bus seats? I doubt airplane ones either. I had to sit in the front of the bus by the handicapped area and, boy, was it a full bus for a midnight ride. And I was headed from 7th to 164th with an additional mile or so walk back to my house from that bus stop. I was determined to bring the pizza without anything happening to it. I didn’t even want to eat a slice until I got home. The Mushroom Marauder pizza, is the pizza, for me to eat.

I got a whole freaking pizza for myself to be my primary source of food for my break, waiting on my EBT card that still hasn’t come in– which I am a little confused about. Either way, it was an excellent choice and a good bang for my buck. The toaster oven I got for my housemates is fantastic. I cut the pizza into 16 slices and the oven can hold 3 mini slices. It was ideal. Happy weekend to me, happy belly indeed.

An Ode to the Science Behind Coffee

A part of why I switched over from social media to a blog was that I was getting into pointless arguments over things I care about but most people don’t care about or understand on the level that I do– not to say that I am some expert on any particular thing, I just know a lot. When I care about something, I know a whole lot. One of my favorite delicacies in this world is coffee.

I was raised by a black coffee drinker, raised by a black coffee drinker. I found this out first-hand when I drove to Kentucky from Alaska to visit my Grandmommy, who drinks black coffee from morning to night, just like myself. Now my dad can’t drink it past noon, but that’s probably because whatever keeps him up at night is settled better with booze. (Wow on a 45 degree tangent, the birds outside are already singing. )

My first position working with coffee was as a barista in a cute little cafe in downtown Anchorage. It was owned and run by an energetic and kind woman and her husband. I quickly took to the espresso machine, learning that there is no “x” in that word, which means, “spur of the moment,” in Italian. I learned that espresso and drip have the same ratio of caffeine per ounce of beverage, but since espresso is finely ground and pulled with pressure, the shots hit the neurons faster than typical drip coffee. (You also burn out faster.) Eventually, I was able to perfect the heat and milk foam ratio with exactly correct shots so that I could pour beautiful art into each cup. The engineer in me even learned that Darcy’s law is what is used within espresso machines to be the vessel for the barista to complete this art.

Coffee is art. Coffee is science. Coffee is delicious and it is looked over every crack of dawn. People do not see it as this science nor recognize the intricacy of brewing the perfect cup. Starbucks aficionados are content with consistency with simplicity while that does not satisfy me — although they do brew pretty good drip coffee, imo. A regular coffee at Dunkin’ Donuts is with cream and sugar over ice. It’s bizarre to me. (Of course, the beauty of coffee starts from the growing and picking of the green beans, the roast and serving come much later in the process.) I just want to express my gratitude to this caffeine-filled legume, thank you, coffee.

Vegan Doughnuts

I raced a Prius on my bicycle ride home today. We were heading south at the same time on our way down Mount Tabor, a dormant volcano in Portland. I had the upper hand as speed bumps slow cars but can improve the speed of a bicycle, if you know how to move your body with the curves of the road. I got to the end of the street first, so I am saying that I won— but that’s not saying much, because it was just a Prius.

I am waiting on my eBay-bought Microsoft Word key to go through before I add more to my novel. I can’t help it, I am a purist when it comes to word processing applications although I can’t seem to stop processing words. Fun fact: eBay has a lot of sellers distributing legal licenses for products because they are given access to a certain number of keys with their business for a lower bulk price, so some sellers sell copies of things such as a pro license for Office 365 or for Windows 10 at a much more affordable price than directly from the company. Five dollars is much more reasonable than whatever they charge these days for the monthly access to my favorite office software!!! Works for me. They are the middle men, peddling licenses. I wonder what their deal is for Adobe products …

Let’s backtrack to the title of this particular blog post: vegan doughnuts. I have a bovine allergy and choose to eat a predominately plant-based diet with some exceptions and a little bit of lee-way latency (because hey, I got to respect all animals and that means me, too, as I am only a human bean). A month or so ago, I saw a cute lil doughnut shop in a dinky strip mall on my bus route once and stopped there during the bus transfer. I got a doughnut unknowingly vegan, my sugar craving was okay with the itchy throat that day.

… I had no immune response from my allergy, not even a little bit. I didn’t think much about it until I went onto their website to find out their hours and found out that everything they sell is vegetarian, no dairy, no eggs, no trendy bacon bits either! I went back today to indulge myself for my break at work. I tried a Tiramisu doughnut, and oooooh wow. Wow. I was never much for cream-filled doughnuts, likely because they made me ill as a child, but ooooh wow. This doughnut was delightful, (pictured below). It had a dreamy, coffee coconut cream filling wrapped in a flaky cinnamon doughnut. Thank you, Doe Doughnuts, Portland.

Ginger Soy Sauce

The winter months are long, cold, and dark. The small things definitely count. I had been craving the ginger soy sauce that Miya would cook into the sesame fried rice at the Korean sushi restaurant I worked at in high school. So, I decided to make it. I took about 2 cups of Tamari and a cup or two of water to a boil. Then, I added in slices of ginger and 2-4 tablespoons of brown sugar. I let this mixture simmer for about an hour or so, stirring almost constantly. This sauce will keep for a while and I have been INDULGING in this salty and sweet delicacy. Now, to get more sesame seeds to truly make Miya’s famous rice.

I remember once answering the phone and someone did not want to order their rice with egg. I put that into the order notes and Miya had me call them back so she could tell the customer that, “the egg makes the rice good,” and she was kind of saucy to the customer. Saucy owners mean good sauces, I’ll tell you what.

The secret to peeling ginger is to use a spoon.

First things first,

I am 23 days into a new year and for the first time in what may be my entire life, I am creating resolutions. 23 days without booze for what I figure is the first time in 10 years, as I started drinking fairly regularly in high school. An even bigger separation from addiction that I vouched as a resolution is eliminating social media from my life. In that process I was asked to create a blog. A blog about food, my life, and my dog. This one is for you, Jess. Here it is, the alpha. I feel weirdly guilty for waiting 23 days to create this blog post, but something was causing my writers block when it came to the screen, while my journal pages have been quickly flipping, busting out new text to add to my in-progress novel. So many goals I seem to have lost them in my head. Habits seem easier to take out; addictions are boring. Starting new routine is seemingly much harder but at least as I start to feel comfortable with letting go, time can be used in new ways. Granted, it is without much effort as my two previous addictions could turn to be real time sucks. (That includes the endless scroll of “fomo” and the multiple trips to the corner store for a sixer and some Takis.) Sleep is surprisingly more feasible. Hangovers don’t exist if you’re not supplementing with booze during your evenings, but damn, I do love everything about booze.

Yeah, yeah, getting drunk is cool and all and at the time it seemed to be the answer, but reflecting on consumption, I like the entire art form that is alcohol consumption. I like beverages. I like food and flavors. I really like it, honestly. Gazing into my crystal ball into the past, back to the strike of the new year, I see my last kiss of booze. I remember drinking it quickly to feel without sensation, a feeling sought often. I hope that when I bring it back into my life I can consume it as if it is something special.

I have intended on starting this blog for food adventures but I feel like some non-food adventures and brands I like and my sweet looks are okay to mention too. I had been procrastinating this first blog post for no real reason, even though I have taken some food pictures. I splurged deeply on an iPad Pro for my future graduate school adventures and my current writing adventures, even though pencil, pen, and paper will always be part of my endeavors at the same time. I guess when I sit down with a certain intent, it requires a certain medium. It is hard to resist that especially with so much option. Granted, this new beautiful screen and its speed and size is so perfect I can’t help but keep my hands off of it– plus, I want to get my money’s worth 😉. I use a windows computer, an Android phone, and an iPad as my mobile computing device, what can I say, I am versitile.

I am not certain how thorough or in depth each blog post will be or the frequencies of the posts, but I wanted to provide a somewhat thorough introduction with a little bit of free-flow tangent, the sequence my mind lends itself to. I feel the innate connection and my recent realization is to try and be more aware even when multitasking. Give myself time or I’ll stress myself out. Give myself too many things to handle and I am forgetful, or I get overwhelmed. I realized my catch phrase is awkwardly singing or stating, “being a person,” at any given point of blatant humanity. It is humbling, really, to recognize how impossible it is to be anything but as fragile and particular as we are as living things… and with the intricacies and organization of humanity and the layers of innocent and malicious fallacies coupled with utter bliss and compassion– boy we sure are set up to be into some sort of shit, eh?